so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
