I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i already hear my dad disowning me
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
