You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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