I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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