Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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