got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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