I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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