i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
we should paint friendship bongs
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
