my mouth tastes like poor choices
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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