Princesses don't give blow jobs
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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