Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
