saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Of course I have a pirate flag
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
