If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize