hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
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She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
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I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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