and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
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Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
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WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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