She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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