Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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