His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
