My underwear smells like fireworks.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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