I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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