I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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