I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
