My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
