God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
