The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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