The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
