3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
