Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
