he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
