there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
