So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize