finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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