I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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