I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
