I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
