she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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