I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
