i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
