My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
