I feel like abortions should bother me more
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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