We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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