Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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