everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
