ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
