My friends, they love my intelligence
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
