hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
