yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
