I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
