My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
