How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
