I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
