Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
