Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
