I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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