Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
